You may trust your best friend inherently, but that doesn’t mean you necessarily have the same philosophy about childcare. “Two close friends, whom I consider to be exemplary parents, recommended a center for my daughter,” says Dorre Kleinman, of Northampton, Massachusetts. “But when I visited, it was much too free-form and crunchy-granola for my taste,” she says. “In the end, I enrolled my daughter in a program recommended by a different friend who, like me, wanted a written rundown of what her kid did each day.”

Because young children feel safe when their days are structured and predictable, it makes sense to look for a daycare with clear plans and programs. “At a well-run school, you will always see a posted lesson plan, so parents know what the children will be doing that day,” says Lee-Allison Scott, vice president of marketing with Atlanta-based Primrose Schools, a preschool and childcare organization with 137 schools nationwide. The lessons needn’t be elaborate – just enjoyable and appropriate to a child’s developmental stage. Other signs that a daycare is well run include bulletin boards with recently created artwork, a regular parent newsletter, and a parent committee.

Since no daycare center is perfect, parents say it’s a good idea to be realistic about what you can change, what you can live with, and what’s simply intolerable; and know that these factors will be different for every family. Kleinman recalls finding a center that seemed perfect in every way, except for the snacks provided. “I knew that I could always bring in my own snack, so I didn’t sweat it,” she says. “But another seemingly perfect center had a serious deal breaker: a teacher I didn’t like who didn’t seem to connect with my child during the initial interview. I realized that some things are negotiable; but other things, like the teachers, are not.”

Don’t let a teacher or director’s training or lingo snow you. A daycare director may have an impressive degree, but that doesn’t mean every word she says is sacrosanct or that the center is the right one for your family. She should be able to answer your questions clearly, without using jargon as a smoke screen. “At one daycare, when I asked the teacher what a typical day would be like, she gave me a song and dance about structure and toddlers not mixing and how the word ‘curriculum’ should never be used when talking about early-childhood education,” says Kleinman. “She obviously didn’t know what she was going to do with the kids all day and thought she could dazzle me with jargon.” As in many areas of life, common sense should be your guide. “At my daughter’s center, the turnover was very high,” recalls Susan Levin, of Scarsdale, New York. “The director told me that the children were fine and didn’t have a problem with all the changes, but I could see that my daughter was unhappy. I realized that the director wasn’t playing straight with me, so I took my daughter out of the center.”

Though 2- and 3-year-olds may be close in age, they are worlds apart developmentally. Try comparing toys and equipment from room to room. “For example, there should be a progression of books – from board books in the infant room to more sophisticated literature in the older children’s rooms,” says Scott.

Caregivers who work directly with children often have great ideas, and the director should be able to honor them if they’re reasonable. But if a caregiver is afraid to ask her boss for something as simple as a few extra art supplies, something may be amiss. “Once, the caregivers at my daughter’s center told me, sort of on the side, that they wished they had a microwave so they could heat up the kids’ food,” says Kleinman. “I later found out that they were scared they would lose their jobs if they asked the director for anything.” The issue extends beyond crayons and mac and cheese; a daycare worker who is afraid of her boss’s retaliation might also be afraid to bring up to parents important issues that might need the director’s input, such as behavior problems. Observe how directors and caregivers interact, and seek a place where their behavior shows that they like and respect one another.

A high-quality center is filled with a sense of engagement, says Scott. “For example, in a 3-year-old classroom, the teacher may be working with a small group on a particular lesson, while the assistant teacher is playing a game with the rest of the children,” she says. “Maybe a few children are finishing up an art project. When one of them finishes the art project, the assistant might say, ‘Sam, why don’t you come over here and join us now?’ No child should ever just wonder, not knowing what to do next.” She adds that teachers should be playing down on the floor with the kids, and the director should easily step in to help. Finally, she says, when you visit a center, watch how the children respond to you. Shyer children may look to the teacher or other kids for reassurance; more outgoing kids may come up to you and say hello. Both reactions are signs that the kids feel at home at the center.

Not every daycare is right for every family, points out Goldstein. “Each family has its own culture and wants to find the match that meets its particular child-rearing style,” she says. If you find yourself deciding between two or more high-quality daycares, go with the one that feels right. As Atlanta mom Sharyn Mulqueen puts it, “I saw other places I knew would be fine, but the place my daughter’s at now – when I visited, I knew she’d just love it.”